Local Gym Teacher Accused of Having No Sex with Any Students

A high-school gym teacher, whose name is being withheld for his own protection, was recently accused of teaching gym for his entire career without having sex with any students or other underage persons.

"It just isn't normal," said school psychologist Norma Hempweed. "It suggests a dangerously perverted mentality--a kind of predatory asexuality that I find deeply troubling." Other officials joined Ms. Hempweed in urging the school board to suspend the gym teacher, pending a full psychological evaluation.

The teacher would not comment. His attorney, in a prepared statement, said, "My client is a normal, healthy individual with a full and satisfying sex life. He simply doesn't think it's right to have sex with minors or with students under his own authority. It's a personal decision that he isn't trying to impose on any of the other teachers."

"It's true, he never touches us," one of his students told our reporters. "I mean, look at me! I'm 16, I'm pretty, I'm athletic--but he never tries to cop a feel. Not even on a late-night bus ride home from a game. Out of the corner of my eye I've caught him watching the students play without leering at anyone in particular. It's weird. I think he's gay."

"Gay? Heck!" said another student. "He acts the same way on the road with the boys team. All business. No efforts to build up our self-esteem, or let us know we're attractive. Here we are, young, healthy, and practically sweating testosterone, but he doesn't seem to care about anything but physical fitness and sports. It's just sick."

The superintendent of schools did not return our calls seeking comment.

Editor’s note – this whole piece is satire.